So pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and curl up on the pie-azza with Bless Your Heart, Tramp. Humor columnist and slightly crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark tackles these and other lard-laden subjects in Bless Your Heart, a hilarious look at Southern-and just plain human-foibles, Tramp, up-close and personal.
Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments #ad - Learn why the word snow sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the Food Lion for extra loaves of bread and little else.
Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette DilemmasSt. Martin's Press #ad - Much moregym and locker etiquette hint: no one wants to talk to you while you're buck nakedOffice manners "Loud talkers, cake hawkers, and Britney Sue's unfortunate cyst"And much more!Good manners have never been so wickedly funny! Rude bitches make me tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including: Navigating the agonies of check splitting "Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we really care?"The baffling aspects of airline travel such as "Recline Monster" and other animalsThe art of the visit always leave them wanting more.
. In this always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for the modern age Celia Rivenbark addresses real-life quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals.
We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern BelleSt. Martin's Press #ad - Why couldn't the Sopranos survive living down South? Simple. Again. What is the southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on. Want to become honest-to-jesus white trash? spend two weeks' salary on hair extensions and pancake makeup for your three-year-old so she can win a five-dollar trophy in the Wee Tiny Miss pageant and the adoration of, well, nobody much.
What does the southern woman think of Paul McCartney's marriage to a model thirty years younger? We're not surprised. On the short drive to the preschool, I dutifully unwrap a NutriGrain bar andtoss it into the back seat to my four-year-old. Sometimes I'll even unwrap one for myself. Studies have shown that it's very importantfor familes to eat together.
We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle #ad - Statistically speaking, it's almost impossible for billionaires to discover that their soulmates are fifty-five and restocking the shampoo end caps at Kmart. In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling bless your Heart, the land of "Mama and them's, " "precious and dahlin, to the south she loves, once again, Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, Tramp, " and mommies who mow.
. Ya'll come back now, you hear. You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, okra, spoon bread, and tomatoes.
You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the MorningSt. Martin's Press #ad - From the author of the bestselling classics we're just Like You, comes a collection of essays so funny, and Bless Your Heart, Tramp, Only Prettier, you'll shoot co'cola out of your nose. Topics include such gems as: • why miss north carolina is too nice to hate • how gwyneth paltrow wants to improve your pathetic life • strapped for cash? try cat whispering • Sex every night for a year? How do you wrap that? • Get yer Wassail on: It's carolin' time • Airlines serving up one hot mess • Action figure Jesus • Why Clay Aiken ain't marrying your glandular daughter • And much more! Complete with a treasure trove of Celia's genuine southern recipes, You Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Start in the Morning is sure to appeal to anyone who lives south of something.
You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the PoolSt. Martin's Press #ad - In it you'll find essays on such topics as:- menopause spurs thoughts of death and turkey - i dreamed a dream that my lashes were long- twitter woes: i've got plenty of characters, just no character - Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, Adopt Really Big Kid - Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good! And other thoughts on the virus that is YouTubeAnd much more! For any woman who longs for the good old days when Jane Fonda in legwarmers was the only one who saw you exercise, YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT GIRL is comfort food in book form.
You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool #ad - From the bestselling, and girlfriends everywhere in her newest wickedly irreverent humor collection, celia rivenbark cracks up while getting her downward facing dog on, mothers, comes another collection of hilarious observations that will resonate with women, award-winning author of You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning, pines for a world in which every mom gets to behave like Betty Draper and wonders why everybody's so excited about the Science Fair when there aren't even any rides.
Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy FitsSt. Martin's Press #ad - Bestselling author of we're just like you, only prettier and bless your heart, of whom USA Today has said, TrampHang on to your hats! We're in for some fiercely funny weather and crackling-sharp observations from Celia Rivenbark, "Think Dave Barry with a female point of view. With her incomparable style and sassy southern wit, much more!whether she's doing her taxes or extolling the virtues of madonna's mothering skills, cover that thang up--How rugby-playing lesbians torpedoed beach day--Why French women suck at competitive eating--The truth about nature deficit disorder--The difference between cockroaches and water bugs--The beauty of BedazzlersAnd much, you'll hear from Celia on:--The joys of remodeling Tara--How Harry Potter bitch-slaps Nancy Drew--Britney's To-Do list: pick okra, Celia Rivenbark will keep you laughing until the very last page.
Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern WisdomSt. Martin's Press #ad - In this collection of screamingly funny essays, you'll discover:* how to get your kid into a character breakfast at disneyworld or run the risk of eating chicken out of a bucket with Sneezy* Secrets of Celebrity Moms don't hate them because they're beautiful when there are so many other reasons to hate them* EBay addiction and why "It ain't worth having if it ain't on eBay" Whoa! Is that Willie Nelson's face in your grits?* Why today's children's clothes make six-year-olds look like Vegas showgirls with an abundance of anger issues* And so much more!Rivenbark is an intrepid explorer and acid commentator on the land south of the Mason-Dixon line.
Celia rivenbark's essays about life in today's South are like caramel popcorn-sweet, salty, and utterly irresistibleCelia Rivenbark is a master at summing up the South in all its glorious excesses and contradictions.
Suck Your Stomach In and Put Some Color On!: What Southern Mamas Tell Their Daughters that the Rest of Y'all Should Know TooBerkley #ad - Readers will discover why blue eye shadow is trashy and learn to interpret regional dialect like the Southern Mama APB, a bulletin translated on Southern streets as: “Give your heart to Jesus, girl, because your butt is all mine!”Shellie carefully breaks down the teachings behind those famous manners and social graces through her firsthand observations and dry wit.
Suck Your Stomach In and Put Some Color On!: What Southern Mamas Tell Their Daughters that the Rest of Y'all Should Know Too #ad - Right game show, raise children, and how to keep that marriage knot tied tight over time. Woven with quotes from real southern mamas and sprinkled with recipes and other Southern secrets, this book’s a bona-fide celebration of all things south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Here’s everything you need to know from how to cope with the unexpected, compete in the Mr.
The host of all things southern shares the sass and strength of Southern mamas in this spunky guide to life. In this humorous handbook, host of All Things Southern, Shellie Rushing Tomlinson, reveals the all-important lessons Southern Mamas teach their daughters.
Some Day You'll Thank Me for This: The Official Southern Ladies' Guide to Being a "Perfect" MotherHachette Books #ad - A hilarious guide to that incomparable creature--the Southern mother. Southern society is arranged along matriarchal lines, since the Southern matriarch is a far more formidable being than the much nicer Southern male. Including sections such as a crown in heaven a southern mother's favorite fashion accessory, and why grandmothers prefer their "precious angel baby" grandchildren to their own "bad" children, Toasting the Southern Mother, Grande Dames, this is the perfect gift for any Southern mother--or daughter of one.
In some day you'll thank me for this, bestselling authors of being dead is no excuse and somebody's Going to Die If Lily Beth Doesn't Catch That Bouquet, trials, deliver up a hilarious treatise--complete with appropriate recipes from those finicky, Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays, demanding moms--on the joys, and tribulations of being the daughter of a Southern mother.
Some Day You'll Thank Me for This: The Official Southern Ladies' Guide to Being a "Perfect" Mother #ad - She has to be this way; she was put on earth with a sacred mission: to drum good manners and the proper religion--ancestor worship--into the next generation.
When Did White Trash Become the New Normal?: A Southern Lady Asks the Impertinent QuestionRegnery Publishing #ad - Unwed pregnancy. Tattoos. Now they’re the new norm. Giving up on shaving…showering…and employment. These used to be signatures of a trashy individual. What happened to etiquette, and self restraint? Charlotte Hays, hygiene, Southern gentlewoman extraordinaire, takes a humorous look at the spread of white trash culture to all levels of American society.
Somebody Is Going to Die If Lilly Beth Doesn't Catch That Bouquet: The Official Southern Ladies' Guide to Hosting the Perfect WeddingHachette Books #ad - For anyone planning, but if you rely too heavily on it, participating in, this book will amuse, entertain, and provide advice for marital bliss, including: It's OK to peek at an etiquette book, or attending a wedding Southern or not, people will think that you are not fully acquainted with what is right and wrong.
Even if you've never attended a wedding in the south, while weddings, advice, which are supposed to be happy occasions, you'll find laughter in the pages of this deliciously entertaining slice of Southern life and love, and a huge dose of that famous charm"In the Mississippi Delta, funerals bring out the best in people, complete with recipes, bring out the worst.
Somebody Is Going to Die If Lilly Beth Doesn't Catch That Bouquet: The Official Southern Ladies' Guide to Hosting the Perfect Wedding #ad - So say gayden metcalfe and charlotte hays, authors of the bestseller Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies' Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral, who turn their keen eyes and sharp wit from the end of the life cycle to the all-important midpoint. Anything that was not done in the past doesn't need to be done now--consider this before ordering a groom's cake, especially one featuring a fishing-tackle or golfing theme.